On 2 February 2016, I found out that my older blog, minishorts.net and the old blog posts  about my cancer journey which I had posted on the clairekhoo.com domain had all disappeared.

This is a short recount of how it happened: back in May 2015, my credit card got cloned. After my reports, my wonderful bank quickly sent me a new card with a new number. Alas, in the midst of updating many of my accounts, I also completely forgot about the auto-renewal web-hosting service this blog was on. Sometime in September, my blog hosting expired and in the frenzy of my very hectic final quarter of 2015, I ignored my personal email account for almost three months, and in that time, neglected the many reminder emails that my host provider had sent.

So, I learnt this the hard way, in the Internet world of blogging, if you don’t pay up, you lose your hard-built memories.  Further proof that nothing comes free in this world, not even your own hard earned, well documented memories.

Anyway, I’ve not actually lost everything. minishorts.net had always been on an auto-database backup process so I actually have all my pre-cancer memories, waiting for me to reload them to the Internet if I wanted to.

Unfortunately, I didn’t bother setting up the auto backup for clairekhoo.com, and so all the posts in the cancer-girl version of the blog, including the recounts of my diagnosis, my hair loss and getting all wigged up, going for chemotherapy, surgery and radiotherapy, my personal encounters with God – they’re gone.

Spot this: my face on a billboard!

The featured image in this post is a photo of myself on the billboard of a major insurance company – one of the crazier things I’ve done post cancer survival.

The good news, I suppose, is the fact that because I had neglected this blog for a good bulk of the entire year, I didn’t really lose much. Almost all of the posts that were written in clairekhoo.com were cancer-related stories, 90%  of which, I wrote back in early 2014 as I was going through the peak of my cancer treatment.

I have of course, tonnes of photos from the months of August 2013 – April 2014, technically enough for me to start an entire blog about cancer all over again. However, I now have insufficient memory of the emotionally driven soliloquy pieces I wrote and am therefore unable to reproduce those stories from scratch all over again.

I’d like to conveniently blame this on chemotherapy and the awesome side effect known as ‘chemo-brain’. 

I’m also not sure whether I want to go through the whole, ‘Woe be upon me I have cancer and I may die young’ phase of blogging ever again.

One of my friends told me, after I disclosed the painful discovery about the loss of my beautiful pink blog, that she actually appreciates the tales of cancer diagnosis which I had woven into the narrative of clairekhoo.com. And I do recall that in that phase of my life, despite the drama I did manage to inspire and encourage many women with a chronic disease diagnosis to face their demons and fight their personal battles with much courage.

I suppose that maybe a good reason to rewrite some of the stories about how I got diagnosed, and how I eventually got well, and my current struggles as a one-breasted woman trying to make sense of this cruel world. Perhaps I should start a category in this blog called ‘Cancer Journey’ just to focus on that side of my amazingly drama-filled life.

For today, I’ll leave you with a photo that best epitomises my cancer victory. Here is a photo of myself taken on the last day of cancer treatment. You see how happy I am in this photo?

Victory over cancer!

My last active treatment day: I completed 16 cycles of chemotherapy, 1 mastectomy sans reconstruction, and 15 rounds of dose dense radiotherapy. What’s your excuse?

With the complete deletion of my old blogs, I guess maybe that big guy up there is trying to tell me something. I imagine Him saying something like this, ‘Woman, if you want to start afresh, you have to delete everything from your past, move on, and completely start afresh! Because, real life never stops!’ 

Yes, that last line was a cheesy attempt to make my featured image connect with this blog post. But it’s true! Because both blogs are now complete defunct, I have no choice. I have to reboot everything and start again. It might as well be divine intervention!